The Day Our Rainbow Arrived

We had a few scares throughout the pregnancy and I took a few different trips to L&D to check on our little one. Finally, I went in for my 37 week appointment and was thrilled to finally make it to "term"! But my joy was soon cut short as I was told the opposite of what I was expecting to hear. Due to my c-section with my twins, I was not allowed to labor past 38.5 weeks. If I was going to have this baby VBAC, I had to have him in the next 1.5 weeks! So all our fighting to keep him in now had to be changed to try and get him out! My doctor stripped my membranes and send me home to do a lot of walking! And I walked... for 24 hours I walked! Finally, Thursday afternoon my contractions became stronger. We waited for Grandma to come down and sit with the kids. We made into the hospital around 10pm and were admitted at 11pm. Once we got settled into a room, things progressed faster. Around 4:30am, the nurse was having trouble picking up baby's heartbeat so they decided to check to see how far I dilated. Well, little man was about to birth himself! My doctor got in just in time for the first and last push and Bradley James entering the world.

Carrying a Rainbow

After the shock wore off of realizing we were pregnant again, we began to go about life. Both Brett and I tried to not get attached to this child. We kept our minds guarded and didn't allow ourselves to dream about life with a new baby in our arms. We told very few people. I covered myself in baggy clothes trying to hide my growing bump. Slowly, time passed. First 12 weeks, then 20, then finally we passed 24 weeks. We had a viable baby that had a chance at survival. On Mother's Day 2014, we decided to share our good news. We incorporated Jacob in our announcement, and looked forward to breathing a little easier. Every day we made it, it gave our sweet rainbow a better chance at life.

But it was not always easy. I spent many nights crying over the new pain that came from being pregnant again, and knowing that Jacob would not be coming back. I woke up every night, at least once in a cold sweat as images passed though my head of different ways this child would be taken from me. I limited all my exercise so I could keep this baby cooking, which just added to my stress levels. I pretended to be excited, but all i truly felt was fear. Fear of losing this baby, fear of not being able to hold him, fear of this baby making me "forget" about Jacob, fear of my pain of losing Jacob getting worse because of this baby. Every day was a struggle, but every day was one day closer to meeting our rainbow.

God's Blessing

In January 2014, we headed into the doctor to discuss what another baby and pregnancy looked like. My doctor has delivered 3 of my babies, and knows my history very well. While she was as shocked as we were to learn that my water broke, she stood by us the entire way and did everything she could to help us bring home two babies. She saw me after Jacob had passed and has kept up with me to make sure I was healing both physically and mentally. Brett and I trust her opinion and we look to her for guidance when it comes to the medical side of pregnancy.

After talking about the "causes" of my water rupturing as well as how my body recovered from my emergency c-section, we all came to the conclusion that another pregnancy would be fine for my body. She felt that there was little to no chance of my waters breaking again, unless I were to conceive twins again. (Jacob and Juliet were conceived naturally, so there was a possibility of it happening again.) She gave us the go ahead to start trying whenever we felt it was right.

At that point, she did the dreaded internal exam. She asked when my last period was and what birth control I had been on. After reassuring her I have been faithfully taking my birth control, and I had just had a period the previous month, she said she wanted to run an ultrasound. Brett and I panicked. What was wrong? As we waited for the ultrasound technician to set up, I could feel myself begin to panic. Did I have cancer? Did my birth control cause some sort of issue? What could be the problem. I laid down on the table, holding my husbands hand when she put the scope to my belly.
And we heard it.
The thump thump thump of a beating heart. There before our eyes, was the sight of a new life inside me.
A beautiful, healthy heartbeat. I was pregnant. I was 8 weeks pregnant.

Story of Our Angel

I never heard the term "rainbow" before. In all honesty, I thought it was linked to the LGBT community. It was not until November 2012, that my eyes were opened to a whole new meaning. One that I wish I never had to learn. You see, my husband and I have been married for 7 years now. We have 5 beautiful children. Our oldest is 7, then 4, 3, and twins that are 20 months old. My pregnancies have never been "easy". The longest I have carried a child is 37 weeks, 2 days. (Full term is considered 40 weeks). With each child, they were born a week earlier: Until the twins. I won't bore you with the whole story, but I'll give you a condensed version. We found out we were pregnant in May 2012. In June, we learned it was twins. In August (at 11 weeks and 6 days pregnant) my water broke with our son Jacob. We were told to terminate, but chose life instead. God allowed me to stay pregnant until 25 weeks, when I delivered in an attempt to save Jacob's life after his cord prolapsed. (Basically, his umbilical cord fell out of me, yikes right?!) His twin sister did amazingly well for only being 1lb 13oz at birth. Jacob, on the other hand, fought hard for his life, but at 32 hours old, he passed away in my arms. It was the first and last time I held him. I was broken. My son that I had fought so hard for was gone. I was left with a huge hole in my heart, along with a little girl that needed a strong mama to help her heal and grow and succeed in life. 

Our life was hard for a long time after Jacob died. (And in all honesty, it still is hard.) Juliet spent 119 days in the NICU before coming home on total house "arrest" in March. (Meaning, by doctor orders, she was not allowed out in public until May due to her lungs being weak and her poor immune system.) We spent many nights talking about the should have beens and the what ifs. But one thing I realized very quickly was this: I wanted more children.

I felt like there was a reason God took Jacob from me, and I wanted him back. Throughout my pregnancy with the twins, I had begged God to let me keep Jacob. But I also realized that God's plans, are not always what I wanted. So I asked Him that if his plans were to take Jacob from me, that He give him back at some point. (I realized this was a long shot since my husband had no desire to go through another pregnancy again.) But I didn't need to birth another baby, I just wanted God to place a child in our family, somehow, some way for us to love and raise.  

I soon learned through my different support groups about something called a rainbow baby.

I wanted my rainbow. I wanted a child so badly to help heal the pain I felt from losing Jacob. I didn't want another baby so I could replace Jacob. I didn't want another one so I could pretend Jacob never existed. It was quiet the opposite. I wanted another child to prove that though we may go through hard, horrible times, there is still beauty in this life. There is a reason for the short life my son lived. There is something good that will come out of this storm. 

So I prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed for another child. I prayed my husband's heart would change. I prayed God would work through him and show him that I needed another baby in my arms. 

Finally, after months and months of prayers, my husband and I agreed on our next steps. We would see my doctor for my annual check up in January 2014, and we could discuss what another baby and pregnancy would look like for us. It was a step in the right direction. The first step.